Dreams and Goodbye
Well I got feedback on my first draft of my master’s report and I have alot of work to make it right. And I have to do that by Friday and get enough sleep because I think it’s Friday I’m going to see Secret Garden? I could be wrong.
And tomorrow I have to present my research to the rest of my lab (that’s five other people). I suck at presentations and I have no slides, neither do I have a plan. But Insha Allah I will get it done and be able to present it *coherently*…meaning no collapsing into nervous hysteria (which my advisor calls giggling but is really hysteria!), well thought out…etc etc. But I don’t want to do it. They’ll ask questions and expect me if not to know the answer but at least to reply intelligently and I don’t feel up to that.
Anywayz this weekend I had an awesome dream in which I was pretty happy. It was all about the things I’d planned for before I came here. And it was all still on track. There were a few things I’d dreamed about doing and I was getting them done but now…well..I am probably happier for not staying for a PhD and for everything else. There were lots of issues stressing me out. But since i’m coming to the closing of this chapter in my life (graduate school in computer science) I guess I can close off all the other things I was worrying about. You know, reinvent me into happy, directed me…
Any dreams I had, though they were great and I wanted them to happen so bad, I will settle for saying goodbye to them because they are just dreams and everybody has them. There is reality that is much better to be faced.
I’m not going to get a PhD..I’m not going to do other things I wanted but hopefully I’ll find the things I want to do and if they won’t substitute for those airy castles in the sky, maybe there’s a chance they can turn out better.
So what I have no direction and so what my mom has a plan that I don’t necessarily want to follow and so what I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself…
No more sleepless nights or headaches about things I have no control about
This time though, I am not going to get conned into teaching…no siree… *ponders*
See, if I don’t want to teach and I don’t want to write papers and I don’t want to present research and I don’t want to *do* computer science research, what am I doing here?
So, goodbye to all those dreams that I had in undergrad and though they might’ve been good ones, I’m sure they would have turned out bad in the end since I’ve stressed too much about them.
Something will come along…
maybe not soon…but sometime…
(insha allah)
hmm, you ever talk about those dreams? because just because it may seemt ht you have to say goodbye to those specific dreams, doesn’t meant that the underlying wish behind them can’t be fulfilled, in some other way, or to a lesser extent
this is just my opinion, and you know I have changed goals before
Comment by Chennette — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 2:52 pm
I hope you’ll indulge my small analogy: For many months before my son was born, I worried about going through labor & delivery. I knew it would be very painful and so I always planned that if/when it got to be too much I’d just ask for anesthetic. Well, when the time came that I wanted an epidural, it was too late. I had progressed too far and had to get through the delivery on my own. I didn’t want to do it, but I achieved something I wasn’t sure I could. Having made it to the other side of a seemingly insurmountable mountain, I now feel a bit like a warrioress. And when you’re finished with your master’s and all that it involves, I bet you’ll feel a lot like that too. ;)
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 3:51 pm
@Chennette: some of them i haven’t…and some of them i might still make and some of them it’s probably better they don’t come true
@Jess: i think your analogy works..and i know i’ll feel great once i get the master’s…it’s just this part of it all is argh not so good…
and it’s all so scary
((((((hugs)))))))
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 4:39 pm
I’m sure it’s incredibly scary! :-O I certainly didn’t have the tenacity to finish a degree at all, so in my eyes you’ve already accomplished a great deal. :D I think once you’re done you’ll be even MORE proud of yourself than you now think… because you *could* have quit (and wanted to many times, I’m sure) but chose to tough it out instead. You’re doing great. You can do it!
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 5:21 pm
Lily, When I went back to Univerity for the second time after almost 8 years of being out in the work force, I had one of the most freakeist dreams you could ever want to have. But then I had some answers to those dreams. I remeber in one of my 2nd year PYCH classes that when the prof. lectured on stress and hyper motivation, everyone reported having higher than normal dreams of axiety and guilt. Of course we were all facing exams and for most, acheaving an “A” to maintain their GPA was of the upmost. Quite normal to have. :)
insha allah, to thread through like a winding river. Perhaps somthing more to suit the moment for you: VIREQUE QUI SE VINCIT = he conquers who conquers himeself. The maim of the Publilus Syrus Sentaie, B.21…. in case you needed to know that. :) :dragon3:
Take care.
Comment by Thomasso — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 6:27 pm
@Jess: well sometimes i feel like not having stuck it out for the PhD is a failure itself…that’s when i’m particularly down!
now, yes i can’t wait to finish and be happy and MOVE ON!
@Thomasso: thanks! but my dream was soooo good…it was almost what i wanted to happen before i started grad school…;-)
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 6:33 pm
Re: PhD ~ It’s good to have direction, but at the same time, I don’t think we should bind ourselves to it if it’s not right for us, ya know? Life is very fluid and your goals will no doubt change many times – the important thing is to remain flexible and enjoy the process.
You never know, with time you may come full circle and end up getting a PhD down the road. Either way, I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself about it. :)
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 6:49 pm
i hope so too (me being gentle)
hey, i might be in completely the *wrong* field so getting a PhD would be sort of a waste if i wasn’t going to use it, right?
:dragon3:
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 6:51 pm
I think life is too short to do something that makes you miserable. Since you’re almost done with your master’s, it’d probably make you MORE miserable to not finish it. But as far as the PhD is concerned, if you feel that the field you’re currently studying is not something you see yourself happy with, then it’s probably best you don’t spend the time on getting a PhD (in my opinion, of course).
What would you say your priorities are in your life? Will you be content if you’re not in a “prestigious” career (as having a PhD might facilitate)?
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 6:58 pm
i think yes…
i mean, a PhD lets me do more research, more teaching, more university stuff which at this point i don’t want to do :-)
i just need to find what i want to do…but oh well…in june i’ll sleep on it! :-D
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 7:02 pm
Ah yes – the eternal question: “What do I want to do with my life?” :D
Never forget that what you DO isn’t who you ARE. The most important thing is to live the best life you can live – everything else is secondary.
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 7:29 pm
okay
:-D
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 7:34 pm
/end motivational mode
/begin silly mode
Hehe. ;) Woot!
Comment by Jess — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 8:00 pm
:dragon1:
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 8:13 pm
<this point was made before silly mode :)>
Sorry Lil, I was speaking in a anecdotal point of view. You make the choices. It seems we both shared the same dream under similar circumstances at difrent points on our lives.
Oh no, I knew you had made your stand. I was a little shocked that you decided to switch gears after such a long road taken?
Edited by Lily to fix the < signs
Comment by Thomasso — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 10:09 pm
hm, what do you mean switch gears?
Comment by Lily — Tuesday 11th, May 2004 @ 10:39 pm