I have no energy to bake even if it is pointed out to me that other people work over an hour’s drive from home and still have a life.

I still plot baking but unless it’s pizza it probably doesn’t happen.

Now to add to the burden, we started our downstairs renovations together with upstairs bathroom which just finished tile and looks awesome through the muck..

So we’re downstairs while lower roof is changing, new walls are added and support columns reinforced or replaced.

First casualty: they took down the garage roof and the lights there are connected to kitchen lights, main bath, back porch (as all these additions were done together I guess). No overheads but most outlets have juice.

Second casualty: in widening kitchen/breakfast table area, constructing new wall, we disconnected the washer and dryer last week. We went by my brother’s in-laws to wash on Saturday.

Third: the stove/oven was disconnected on Friday.

We are accepting food donations.

We did connect mom’s table top 2/3 burner stove so all is not lost. We could bake in the toaster oven I guess.

High points: as soon as the plumbers come and hook up our upstairs bathroom and we clean upstairs we can move back. Yay!

The house is half painted a lovely colour we all like and kudos to me for picking it and standing my ground.

KITCHEN RENO!

A world of possibilities.

We can have everything.

*sigh*

Or too many possibilities and mom and I are going crazy ;-)

:-)

I’m going to miss m niece when they return to school! :-’(

But I’m sleeping upstairs tonight and am quite happy.
However, not yet in my room but that’s okay.

Rooms look nice!

Well when we changed our roof we had to take down the Greendot internet antenna and call them to come re-install. Around that time I asked the family if they think we should switch from Flow (Analog) cable to Greendot Digital TV. It’s cheaper.

After some waffling, we got it…and finally today after days without TV (because who knows where our antenna is in all the cramped-mayhem that is our house) (hmm we cut Flow Monday evening), they came and installed it for us. So yay (I guess).

And our stove has new (local) burners and it heats things up nice and fast. We just need to get stove lighters now because the light function on the stove doesn’t work with the local burners. But it is worth the sacrifice.

TV!

We made good stuff and she took pictures with my camera which hasn’t been cleared in…um more than 7 weeks?

I’m really beat these days because…guess what?
I’m working!
Finally a paycheque (hmm I thought they said I would get paid yesterday but haven’t seen it yet)!
And I’m oh so tired.

Well, I felt very sous-chef…very did not do much (as Monday to Thursday straight very tired…well all I want is sleep and I’m too tired to sleep.

Regardless…I made a nice custard ice-cream this past weekend and it went really well with the tart apple crumble.

Maybe I’ll take some pictures of some mountains…maybe I’ll get the Eid-ul-Fitr pictures off my camera…that’d be a start, right?

I even have lots of food-related posts in my head that haven’t materialized (the fact that pictures have made it to flickr amazes me).

It’s just I’m swamped, busy, tired, stressed and getting ready for Hajj. we leave in less than a week. And lots of trinis are saying it better. Maybe I should link but am tired…so I’ll just link to the Global Voices Online Trinidad and Tobago category and you can read it or not if you want.

Let’s see, flood, media and the PM, economy.

Oh and Trinidad Express still hasn’t properly responded to me. About what you say? Copyright Theft!

I’ll try to post goodbye before I leave for hajj/pilgrimage!

• Cheesecake squares

For on or around ‘Id day:

• Chicken, minced lamb, channa and rice
• Lamb kibbe (with a small vegetarian kibbe on the side)
• Some salad or veggie side
• Sahina, the real kind, rolled up
• Lamb-filled pastry with phyllo/filo dough!
• Basbousa
• Almond Biscuits

For when Chennette comes:

• Baklava, various kinds
• Doughnuts
• Fat kurma

Also, we’ll try to make, in the week preceding ‘Id, different ice-cream (chocolate, coconut and peppermint).

Menu subject to change on our tiredness level and other input.

Will there be sawaine?

White Velvet Butter Cake , originally uploaded by Lilandra.

I bought Rose Levy Beranbaum‘s The Cake Bible along with a host of books I got recently. I did wonder why I was buying a Cake Book. I was a bit bolstered by the lack of much of them in our shelves but me? cakes? Anywayz, that story is for another day.

I’m here to tell you about the epitome of my cake desires…the jam layer cake.

And before I go any further:

Disclaimer: Today is not my birthday. My birthday does not fall around this day. In fact, August is certainly not my birthday month.

My family doesn’t really celebrate birthdays. (For the record, strict practising muslims, don’t celebrate birthdays at all). Even before we knew this, or tried to keep this, we never had birthday parties. For the most part birthdays were celebrated en famille with cake and ice-cream and no chores for the day. Since I wasn’t into cake (I didn’t think it was anything special), my “cake” was always Lemon Meringue Pie.

In fact, I think quite a lot of my (older) birthdays were spent sleeping. And you may not believe it, but those weren’t even the worst or most depressing of my birthdays.

Despite this, my first birthday memory was of a party. I think I was four. I think it was a birthday party. And I think it was mine. I remember thinking ooo! I’m celebrating my birthday and my cousin is being born. I think that was the most enthralling of my thoughts. Was it a real memory? I don’t know. When I ask mom she says it sounds about right. Where were my parents? At the hospital? But I think I really do remember this. It’s weird, huh?

Anywayz, once when I was older (twelve?), we went by my aunt and there was a birthday party. Details about why only Sister the Elder and I were there are sketchy. I’m not even sure if it was at my aunt’s house or if we went somewhere else from there. But I sort of remember two birthdays…or two birthday cakes all for the birthday girl (my cousin! and if she ever reads this, there’s no hard feelings). I don’t think my aunt was in control of this party…I mean I doubt it because I doubt I would’ve felt like … left out? side-lined? unimportant? I remember there was a cake all covered with a white buttercream (I think? or was it eggwhite frosting?) and m&m’s (or smarties?) stuck all over it as decoration. And I was a bit envious or … if not quite envious, depressed but very polite. There was nothing about it being my birthday. This is why I really think we were at a friend of my cousin’s house…or some of my cousin’s family…and somehow my sister and I were there. And you have to understand, I’m really sensitive. I cry easily. And alienation…well…that’s my good friend. Basically my memories of this are just me being sad, depressed, polite and not saying anything. (Why do people do this? Thankfully the next time this happened I was 21, and the third birthday girl was…10! and although all parties involved were family, I was smart and older and worried about other things).

Of course, my sister knew what was going on with me.
Maybe I said something to her or she saw my face or knew how a (was I about 12??)-year old would feel on her birthday when her little cousin has a birthday cake and birthday gifts and she doesn’t. I mean she would’ve been 17 (if I was 12…hmmm maybe I was younger…she could’ve been 14-16). Of course, maybe she just knew me!

And she promised me to make me a birthday cake.

A layered cake! Which is what I wanted and with jam spread between the layers.

And I was so happy.

She was the greatest sister ever.

I don’t remember the cake precisely. I’m not even sure when the cake was made (our family is all about 11 months after the fact gifts).

But I remember taking out mom’s three layer pans and my sister making a cake. Or that’s all I remember about the cake.

And so, nice jam layered cakes have always been something I want. Something I like. Of course, it helps when the cake is soooooo moist and delicious and paired with guava jam…Yum!

Have a slice of White Velvet Butter Cake , originally uploaded by Lilandra.

Because this is the first cake I made in a long time (not counting Chocolate Heart of Darkness), I posted a whole set on Flickr. Heh.

But, let me recount the last week or so.
25th July – Made Truffles for Chocolate Hearts of Darkness
26th July – Made Chocolate Hearts of Darkness
30th July – Made White Velvet Butter Cake
31st July – Started making Basic Flaky Pastry for Great Pumpkin Pie
1st August – Made Great Pumpkin Pie with Chennette

And strangely enough during this I wasn’t over tired.
I was tired after watching things bake and waiting for the hot oven to be done and clean up but I wasn’t so tired that I didn’t do it.

Then mom said take a break (because that’s just a snippet … I will recount the previous weeks later…it might be eye-opening for me). So, I said okay! Sunday I will make hot dog bread or white sandwich loaves.

I woke up late on Saturday, barely slept because I felt like a fever or sickness was coming on and Chennette was returning to Guyana that day so I didn’t bother.

Sunday, I offered.
Mom said no.

I decided Monday.

Actually I get some trouble differentiating between Sunday and Monday.

The whole of Sunday (our supposed rest day according to mom) I didn’t do much.
Mom got annoyed with me for not packing/folding clothes or doing anything else. But considering she announced we weren’t going to do anything I took her at her word.

And I had enough trouble not finding myself in the kitchen to start baking.
My fingers were twitching.
Almost any excuse carried me downstairs to make bread.
And I would have to distract myself.

Monday we went up East (?) side for a bit and then came back down.
Plan, pray, relax and start the bread.

Well, I used the washroom, washed my hands, and realized all that driving and who knows what else had me feeling a bit out of sorts and weak. And I didn’t think I could bake. I told mom (who put up a whole wheat bread in the machine). It was the hardest thing for me. I had already taken out the scale, the bowl, the flour. I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. Regardless, I spent most of the weekend (including Monday) sleeping.

So last night I made white bread.
I was so happy.
It came out nice.
More later.
But I can’t stop planning again.

The cake book is open and I am planning some Sour Cream cake.
And I’ll itch until I get to bake it.
I know.
Argh.

This *must* be addiction.

• Money
• A job (well, I want the money more than the job but I need a job to get money, right? Also, I need to do more with my time so a job could work)
• EDIT: A new lens for my camera – 50mm f/1.4 or something so
• EDIT: A tripod
• a new phone!!! (man! do i really need one? not really but who cares! I *want*)
• ASUS eeePC
• A new laptop! (Well, more than I want a new laptop, I just wish I could upgrade my current laptop. I wish I could put more RAM in it and that the processor could be upgraded. I mean I don’t know how people go about disposing of laptops/computers. I had the dilemma a couple years ago with the Dell that just wouldn’t die but was crawling and I wanted to take a hammer to it…because an old computer…is old but if it’s still working how can I get rid of it? So, if I did get a new laptop, what would I do with my old one? I don’t know. And mine still works…it’s just…you know slow…
• New tools for the kitchen (mostly scales and thermometers. I’m sure there are other things I need but this would be a start).
• My own house (yes, I’ve always dreamed of owning my own house and land. Not working doesn’t really help this along. And writing the balance of the payment for hajj is going to seriously deplete my funds…hence money at the top of the list…and the wishlist so that I can get out of my system all the things I want but can’t afford and won’t get).
• Someone to buy some of my books (I’m weeding through…getting rid of some…figuring out what to do with the others…)
• Lose weight
• Stop taking all my pills…ie get better
• Grow juicy red tomatoes

I know there’s more.
But I’ve forgotten.
Maybe I should’ve made this a page and update it as time goes on.
I’ll think about that. It can always be a page, later…or something, right?

I’m a tad bit worried.
My year break is more than half-way through and I still have no clue what to do with myself. I guess I’ll eventually figure it out. I miss having an income. I should start back cooking…*sigh*

Both my sisters need new laptops…and I get to vet them.
This is not good for me. It gets me drooling. I don’t need or really want a new laptop…but my powerbook is now over 3 years old so I love looking.
Thankfully I have no money (although I did buy this powerbook when I had no real job)…
But also, I’m not a multi-computer person…especially unemployed. I don’t really have time to spend on more than one machine. I wish I did…but maybe I can’t multi-task? Or maybe I just don’t have a need yet. It feels like cheating.

There were all these projects and learning things I wanted to do but haven’t even gotten around to them. It feels almost like wasted time…except full-on babysitting that happened end of last year…

Well my year’s not done. I can do more than learn arabic.
I should make a long list and start doing…and check things off as I go.

Well, maybe not a *long* list…

I want to feel accomplished…

Anywayz, tho I know lots of Arabic now (HAHAHAHA…yeah right)…I’m not sure I can write a whole blog post in it…so laterz…

I AM STILL ALIVE!

I’m sure there is some way to get Arabic installed and usable by me on the ASUS. I’m sure my brother knows…but for now…who cares.

I start Arabic classes tomorrow.
Three days a week.
I missed orientation on Sunday (because I didn’t know). Hopefully they didn’t start anything. My brother went through more than 10 pages of the text with me. Do I remember anything? Well, the words I knew before and Maaah hatha? (What is it?) and Man hatha? (Who is it?). But we shall persevere.

I need to unearth notebooks.

Wish me luck.
I hope nobody laughs at me.
I feel so inadequate.
Inferior.

Eid Mubarak!

Chennette will even be here so FULL HOUSE! (she will be missing the salaah/prayer but will get here still in the morning).

Full House? Okay…my brother-in-law isn’t here but … two grandparents, four children, one spouse (should be two), three grandchildren.

Oh my oh my.

And we bought niece a penguin.
It may be sleeping with her at the moment.
It’s rather big.
I should read dimensions better on amazon…

And not much cooking going on…we’re tired.
It’s the Eid of sacrifice so…sacrifice happening…

and i need to sleeeeep!

Well, let’s hope it goes away.
I was supposed to help with niece number one so that sister could take care of nephew number one (whose aqeeqah was done in Guyana although his head was shaved here (DUH) while i…slept!) and also get some rest. I’m not sure if she’s getting any sleep.

*sigh*

want to cook

My brother’s daughter was born yesterday at 10:55 am.
She weighs 6 lbs 8 oz and is 51 cm long.

And she looks surprisingly like my other niece (and her father!) and less like her other cousin (who was born 8 weeks ago and herself looks like her father!).

Either my mother (we blame mom) has very dominant genes or my brother’s in-laws have very recessive genes :-)

But yay.
But my brother isn’t here.

Oh.
And she’s very pink! and red!

On the way we stopped to see my sister-in-law and I opened one of my suitcases and took out some of the stuff that Big Sis sent for her.

It wasn’t until the next day (today!) 5 am, after we ate Suhur (meal before the start of the fast in Ramadhan) that my mom asked me if I had any dirty clothes.

Yesterday when I dragged myself upstairs I was so excited to tell my sisters that I wasn’t interrogated and no clothes were forcibly wrested from me. I slept. So I am announcing it to the WORLD!

By the way…Ramadhan (muslim month of fast) has started. We did our first fast on Thursday so RAMADHAN MUBARAK!

*sigh*

Thankfully SuperMom is always around to prescribe panadol multisymptom and tell me that I have a cold or something.
How would we manage without SuperMom?
I would think my sleepless nights and tossing and turning on the bed and 20 hours a day of lying down on the bed (not necessarily sleeping) is me just withering away … Alhamdulillah for SuperMom!

But today I managed to make myself stay awake for….6 hours so far? And I talked to people (brother, SuperMom, daddy) a lot…so much that my simple sore throat (only sign of a virus I could see) is thinking of escalating into my losing my voice! I could barely talk to sister and niece on the phone!!!

Yes, I am no longer in Guyana. I’ve been home for about two weeks now but I haven’t had the energy to post, comment, send much email…actually do much. I had to shut down the computer a couple days ago and I haven’t even logged back into IRC. I feel so lost. But I can’t even sleep in my bed so what’s the point since the computer isn’t where I’m sleeping.

I’m so sick.

I’m fed up of being sick.

And people think I should reconsider my job.
Hmph.

Been sick the last month…very horrible…slept non-stop and it wasn’t restful.

Still enjoying this unemployed feeling tho. Got last paycheque. Hope to post *something* of substance one day. I posted pictures on flickr the other day….I will try to put links…feeling tired….must sleep….plane in 8 hours